Fear

So, I couldn't come up with a lot for this one, oddly enough. Perhaps I was afraid...

One thing that comes to mind, though, is that a lot of the time a fear is actually a wish.

For instance, I fear that I would get fired. Because I wish it.

Yep, another short blog club post from me. But I see that Neil hasn't yet posted, so I'm not too afraid that it's a bad thing. Yay for being overworked. :)

Fireworks counseling (a day late due to wheat coma)

So I ate some KFC popcorn chicken and a bisquit last night and promptly passed out. That's wheat coma for ya. And I woke up this morning. On my way to work I realized that I hadn't yet posted my Fireworks counseling post. So here I am doing so:

Fireworks are a lot like counseling in several ways. I will list them below:

Fireworks are very expensive. So is counseling.
Fireworks sometimes get most exciting at the end of the experience. So does counseling.
Fireworks kind of look like brain cells. Counseling works to "rewire" brain cells.
Fireworks require significant training and school to make right. So does counseling.
Fireworks is a store in Westlake. Counseling is not.
Fireworks are amazing to watch when done right. So is counseling.
Fireworks put a thud deep within your chest. So does counseling.
Fireworks mark great celebrations. Counseling is a celebration of life.
Fireworks are best enjoyed with others. So is counseling.
Fireworks are outlawed in most places. Counseling sometimes has a stigma (though that is diminishing).
Fireworks can be seen from far away. The effects from counseling are far reaching.
Fireworks, for safety reasons, generally take place on a barge. Counseling does not.
Fireworks bear their soul at the moment when they are most visible. Counseling allows people to bear their soul in a way that is visible and safe.
Fireworks can be dangerous in the wrong hands. So can counseling.
Fireworks require good timing. So does counseling.
Fireworks provide a chance to ask someone to marry you. Counseling is there when you realize marriage takes work.
Fireworks happen at Disneyland in the summer. Many people who need counseling visit Disneyland.
Fireworks draw a large crowd to Gasworks park on July 4th. Many of those people need counseling.

That's about all I have for now, mostly because I have to work. :)

Graduate School

My relationship with my husband began when we met in January of 2005. I had decided to go to graduate school and pursue my dream of being a counselor. A dream that began when I was 15 and took my very first Psychology class through the Running Start program.

Somehow over the course of attaining my Bachelor's degree (Bachelorette?) I had neglected to take a Developmental Psychology course and it was required for admission to at least one of the programs I was considering applying to. In the end, I applied to one program, was rejected, and consequently worried that the time just wasn't right for my scholarly endeavors. So I stopped applying to programs and focused on my newly acquired boyfriend.

To keep money flowing into my pockets I needed to either look for a new job or hunker down at my existing one. So against my better judgment, I unrejected the promotion my boss had offered me prior to my application to graduate school. A year or so later I realized there was no way I could continue the lie of working where I had been. And I hadn't yet gotten past the whole concept of being rejected for graduate school.

I poked around and found that a friend's office was hiring for what would end up being my now-current job. I knew this place would wear on me eventually, too, but my mind was melting where I had been and I needed money.

Two weeks in to the job, my hubby and I exchanged vows at our local courthouse and I began to learn what I do for a living. It's very interesting and intellectually stimulating. There's virtually no interaction as a part of the job, which, if you know me at all, you know is a problem. But, the job pays well and I knew it was going to teach me things that would be valuable. Plus, I wasn't ready yet to attain the degree I so desire.

One of my bosses (I have three of them and yes I think that fact is ridiculous) rarely works together with me and whenever we do he always gripes about things that my speculation is that they having little to do with the actuality of what he's griping about. In other words, I think he has problems but doesn't understand what they are. So he does what he can to irritate me and basically make my life a living hell because he has yet to see that he causes his own problems.

I finally arrived at the place with this job where I knew there was little to no chance of me continuing with it and finding peace and or happiness. And, after poking around on the intertubes I found a program for drama therapy in downtown Seattle. The deadline for applying to the program is in a couple of weeks and I believe I have everything I need to submit ready or in the readying stage.

Every day since I made this most recent decision to apply to graduate school has reaffirmed my belief that it's the right thing to do. It combines two of my loves: theatre and psychology. What more can a girl ask? And once I am done, I will be able to shrink as many heads as will pay me for it! And I can even do two more years of work and then get licensed! The prospect may be daunting to some, but I've been waiting almost half my life...so getting through the program will practically be overnight.

Here's crossing my fingers that they want me this quarter. If not, there are other programs with deadlines that extend throughout the fall for Spring Quarter 2010 entrance. Le sigh. I'm at peace with this.

And now for something different

Blog Club.

I had an argument with a boss that I don't respect.

I am now filling out applications for graduate school.

The time is right.

The final straw has broken the camel's back.

I'm living my life now.

Real State

The real state we find ourselves in when we search for something is in the real state of searching for it. When we believe it is already in our presence we manifest it to be such. Or that's sort of what The Secret tells us.

I had so many thoughts that I had over the past week related to this topic, but they've all gone by the way since my belly started pulling the majority of my attention to it.

I've been on a bit of a health kick lately. I am heading to Hawaii for 9 days in August and I'm sofa king excited about it I can hardly stand it. So I'm doing my best to arrange for myself to have a bikini body. Getting that bikini body in a way that is decisively healthful is the only way I will respect myself after having done so.

So I have purchased several natural detoxifying and cleansing products to rid my body of the various wastes it has accumulated and help purge my way toward better health. Not in a bulimic kind of way, but in a way that promises all the new good stuff I'm putting in will not just get to sit around with the bad stuff.

Enter a weird detoxifying whole food drink that tastes like wheat grass and V8. I must take four tablespoons of the stuff for a week and then cut back to two tablespoons from then on. I'm up to about six days of the four tablespoons stuff, though I had taken about a week off for a reason I can't quite come up with. And I ingested the stuff about two hours ago. My belly feels like I placed glass shards and razor blades in it and then drank painful boiling acid.

But, I do know that the real state I am in is one in which I know and truly understand the place I am in.

Yes.

Sometimes, when my life is crazy full and I have things I still want to do but don't have lots of time to devote to them, those things get the shaft. Yes, this post is one of them.

The phrase/word for this week is YES.

I just watched a little over half of the movie Yes Man. Not terrible. I like the premise.

Say yes to everything you are asked and your life will change. I think it's true. It's about living.

I am going to start saying yes to more things. Like sleep, which is something I need more of tonight. Yikes, I'm tired.

Fortune Favors The Brave

In my roughly 29.5 years on this earth (not counting womb-time of course), I have learned one or two things. Possibly three or four. I haven't counted really. I lost track once I figured out the whole alphabet thing when I was a kid.

There's something that's been seeping through my veins lately. I've been manifesting things in my life that I hadn't otherwise dreamed I would. I've found myself in the midst of an ever-growing barrel of wonderful new people to whom I almost instantly bond. The same people who only a year ago I might have been self-conscious around.

There are countless instances in my life in which making the bold choice has given me fortune. I initiated the first conversation with my husband. I made the initiation of the friendship between myself and the person who ultimately found me my current job. I told my hair-apist I wanted a change.

I'm reading a book by Keith Johnstone. It's called Impro. (That's what they call improv in Europe.) The most useful and basic phrase in improvisation is "Yes, and..." It's what keeps a scene going, continues the motion, and fantastically heightens anything. What Keith has noted is that the world is filled with Yes-and-ers and with No-but-ers. Yes-and-ers are rewarded by new and exciting experiences, while No-but-ers are rewarded with the safety and security of staticity. (I think that's a word.)

Bravado is an interesting thing. At first it's this beast who breathes fire in your face, mocking your attempts at riding it. And then it is tamed and agrees to go wherever you wish. Both of these situations are the most dangerous. The first, because there's the highest temptation to let it be and not push further. The second, because taming bravado makes one cocky and bravely go places recklessly.

It is the third stage of bravado that is the most rewarding. Gone is the thrill of merely conquering a fearful situation. In its place is a path that opens up revealing multiple destinations. Gone is the darkness into which we stare. In its place is a blank slate on to which we can place our wildest and most pleasing fantasies placed along our rightful path in life. Gone is the icy cold of dread and the painful burn of regret. In its place is the life we want to live.

That is true fortune.